I was told to write.
Daunting thoughts of what those words would look like haunt me. The thoughts haunt me. A constant flow of fear flood my seconds and I'm trying to hold on. I hold the pain like a precious stone, surprised constantly by the ability of the pain to grow inside of me; for it to actually hurt more today, than it did yesterday. At least the pain is still here.
I was told to write.
Yet, I know that no one wants to read this. No one would chose to feel the depth at which I do. And yet, here I am, putting it into a visual representation. Forgive me. I would never inflict pain on purpose. I would never cause hurt. My hands tremble, dampened by the tears I wipe from my swollen eyes.
I fall apart at the realization that every move I make, is in an attempt to survive the next move I have to make.
I'm one day further away. I'm one second further away. From Him. I surround myself with positivity trying to convince myself that I'm one second closer to the next time, one day closer. But the broken shards of my heart remain in a shattered mess, I can't pick them up. I just can't move. I have begged the universe to let me be still. Just be silent, still, and unchanged in where I am. Let me saunter through the rest, passive and detached. Let me be a memory of what I used to be, because I will forever be a broken version of a fleeting happiness. It's not an option. I'm forced to walk across the broken pieces, tear new wounds. I'm bombarded with things to love, people to love. And some who even try to love me back.
The thought of loving anything is horrifying. Everything dies. Everyone dies.
But whispers of peace come in the form of an innocent hug of a child whose heart belongs to you in that moment. God smiles through the sunrise, that my baby paints for me, every morning. Tears fall, and kiss your skin in the form of a rain drop from heaven's sky. God's mercy is shown in the quiet regard of a black bear while pacing past you on the top of a mountain, as close to God as I can get in a single day.
I hurt deeper than should be survivable. And I love with a passion that is surpassed only by the pain. I believe it's worth the risk. I know it's worth the risk.
I love him with every fiber of my soul. I never took a second for granted. Not one second. God's mercy will show my heart more seconds.
